Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses, and Komodo dragons to the meta.
What the fuck is going on?
It’s not like we were masters at the game or anything, but we liked to think we knew the basics of what we were doing. Boy, were we wrong, though. This is a whole new terrain. Are the panini presses weapons? Or are you supposed to make paninis with them to eat so you can increase your health? And why are we supposed to play pickleball whenever we enter the Misty Meadows? What the hell is happening? Can someone help us out here?
Last time we played a few rounds of BR, the map was completely different, too. There weren’t all these huge Komodo dragons roaming around, trying to eat us. I mean, sure, we were unfamiliar with a few of the drop sites, but we knew how to use the turret stations and whatnot. Now, it’s like a completely different game, and we can’t make heads or tails of it.
For example, what happened to that rocket launcher we liked? We can’t find it anywhere. Is this new shot-put item supposed to replace it? Did the game become Olympics-themed now for some reason, too?
Gamers, it looks like we’re not gonna last long out here. We tried doing the limousine derby, but got absolutely lit up by, like, three different squads. And we’re completely unclear on how this new respawn mechanism works, too. Is your ghost supposed to fly to where you died? Or are they supposed to go to those big chimney stacks that now litter the map? Those are respawn stations, right? Jesus, they can’t just add this stuff and not explain it.
There are also all these players on rollerblades, and no one will tell us how you unlock those. There’s no way we’re going to be able to keep up with them. They’re too damn fast.
You know what? Good luck with Fortnite, everyone, but fuck this. We’re just going to play FIFA.