The world may have shut down due to Covid-19, but The Onion’s army of underpaid chefs and journalists is still hard at work. Here are 10 tried-and-true dishes approved by The Onion’s Test Kitchen to help you get through quarantine.
Carrot Tacos: Honestly, if you want to cook bullshit like this, maybe you do deserve to starve. Jesus. Even contracting the coronavirus is better than this.
Emperor Dynasty Sun Moon Star Dragon Noodles: It’s some elbow macaroni from the back of your cupboard with one takeout packet of soy sauce.
Copycat Cool Ranch Doritos: Craving that familiar crunch, but don’t want to risk a trip to the store? Whip up your own from home! All you need is some corn, vegetable oil, salt, maltodextrin, tomato powder, lactose, whey, corn starch, skim milk, corn syrup solids, onion powder, sugar, garlic powder, monosodium glutamate, cheddar cheese, dextrose, malic acid, buttermilk, natural and artificial flavor, sodium acetate, Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 5, sodium caseinate, spice, citric acid, disodium inosinate, and disodium guanylate!
Lemon: Lemon is healthy, yellow, and fresh. And even more convenient, lemon is only one ingredient.
Sour Patch Starter: Get in on the trend you’ve seen plastered all over social media. Ferment sugar and water in a mason jar and feed intermittently with coloring dye over two weeks.
Waffle Maker: Pour three (3) cups of polyurethane into a waffle-shaped mold and bake for 30 minutes at 415 degrees. Leave out to cool before attaching an electrical cord.
Homemade Bison Burgers With Aioli: You dragged that bison all the way home yourself, and you can still hear the cries of your family—“Papa, where have you been?” “What in God’s name is wrong with you, you’re covered in blood!”—and now they come to you saying they’re hungry, that you threw away all the food in the refrigerator and the deep freeze just to fit all the severed, uneven chunks of bison inside. “Well, honey,” you’ll say, “the answer to all of your questions is bison, and it always will be bison, and you are going to learn to like it.”
Grandma Marion’s Secret Recipe Biscuits: Wait, no. Delete. DELETE.
Giada De Laurentiis: When you’re stuck inside 24 hours a day, nothing screams summer like a big bite of Everyday Italian star Giada De Laurentiis. She’s also high in protein and low in fat, which makes her a delicious snack to keep you full and energized while working from home.
Infinite Eggplant: Quantum mathematician Bertram Oppegard stumbled upon this generously portioned recipe by accident in 1963 during a laboratory mishap involving precision nuclear magnetic resonance, continuum flow mechanics, and a Tupperware of reheated eggplant parmesan. Since then, he and his descendants have had to consume it every day lest it fractalize at an inexorable rate and consume the known universe.