What To Know About America’s Refugee Resettlement Program

Illustration for article titled What To Know About America’s Refugee Resettlement Program

President Biden recently received criticism for announcing that he would not raise the cap on the number of refugees admitted to the U.S. as part of the nation’s resettlement program, shining a spotlight on a institution many Americans don’t know much about. The Onion answers common questions about the U.S. refugee resettlement program.

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Q: Who counts as a refugee?
A: Anyone who is both fleeing hardship in their home country and unlikely to rock the boat too much with the average Pennsylvania voter.

Q: How long is the screening process?
A: Between one and two American invasions of the refugee’s home country.

Q: How many refugees are allowed entry each year?
A: You sure are asking a lot of questions for a so-called American citizen.

Q: How do refugees apply for admission? 
A: They must wow the judges with whichever skill they present in their five-minute audition tape.

Q: Where do refugees resettle?
A: Every refugee who has entered the U.S. since 1982 moved to your stepfather’s neighborhood.

Q: Can refugees legally work in the United States? 
A: Refugees are encouraged to find soul-crushing and underpaying employment as soon as possible.

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Q: Are refugees provided medical assistance? 
A: No one in the U.S. is provided with medical assistance under any circumstances.

Q: What are refugees seeking?
A: The rich, smoky taste of Texas BBQ.

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