Avatar: The Way Of Water—the sequel to 2009’s Avatar, the highest-grossing film of all time—debuts in U.S. theaters on Thursday. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Avatar: The Way Of Water.
Q: What is the runtime?
A: Just under three and a half days.
Q: Do you need to have seen the first one?
A: No, and you can skip this one too.
Q: Why did the sequel take so long to come out?
A: A well-known perfectionist, director James Cameron couldn’t decide whether to include four or five heavy-handed messages.
Q: What’s driving the anticipation for this film?
A: This will be the closest many Americans have come to experiencing nature since the last Avatar.
Q: What are the viewing options?
A: Standard 2D, 3D, and 2D with edibles.
Q: Will there be subtitles again?
A: Yes, for audiences to understand what Giovanni Ribisi might be saying.
Q: If I have tickets to The Fabelmans in the theater next door, will the sound effects bleed through the walls and ruin my experience?
Q: How much water is featured in the movie?
A: Nearly 10 gallons.
Q: Does the film make an implicit critique of American wealth and power?
A: A film that costs the equivalent of a small country’s GDP to produce is itself an implicit critique of American wealth and power.
Q: Is this it for the franchise?
A: Avatar will outlive us all.