What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce

Illustration for article titled What To Know About Bill And Melinda Gates’ Divorce

Billionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, announced they are filing for divorce, a move that has widespread effects on everything from the stock market to U.S. philanthropy. The Onion answers the most important questions about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce.

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Q: Why are they getting divorced?
A: It’s the latest move in Bill’s obsessive quest to keep up with Jeff Bezos.

Q: How long were they married?
A: Since Windows 3.0.

Q: Was it really because of Bill’s association with Jeffrey Epstein?
A: No, it was about Jeffrey Epstein’s association with pedophilia.

Q: Why was there no prenup?
A: 1994 was all about taking extremely wild risks on new startups.

Q: What was the largest motivating factor behind the divorce? 
A: Artistic differences.

Q: Can I transfer all my Microsoft Office files from my old computer to my new one?
A: You’re in the wrong place, but yes, it’s possible.

Q: How are family members processing their grief?
A: Stock options.

Q: What will Bill do now?
A: He announced plans to start a new wife in his garage.

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Q: Will the divorce affect their charitable foundation?
A: No, Plan Ultimate Eradication will proceed as planned.

Q: Does this divorce mean the 1987 Patrick Dempsey film Can’t Buy Me Love was right?
A: It’s a hard pill to swallow, but yes.

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