Billionaire Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife, Melinda, announced they are filing for divorce, a move that has widespread effects on everything from the stock market to U.S. philanthropy. The Onion answers the most important questions about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce.
Q: Why are they getting divorced?
A: It’s the latest move in Bill’s obsessive quest to keep up with Jeff Bezos.
Q: How long were they married?
A: Since Windows 3.0.
Q: Was it really because of Bill’s association with Jeffrey Epstein?
A: No, it was about Jeffrey Epstein’s association with pedophilia.
Q: Why was there no prenup?
A: 1994 was all about taking extremely wild risks on new startups.
Q: What was the largest motivating factor behind the divorce?
A: Artistic differences.
Q: Can I transfer all my Microsoft Office files from my old computer to my new one?
A: You’re in the wrong place, but yes, it’s possible.
Q: How are family members processing their grief?
A: Stock options.
Q: What will Bill do now?
A: He announced plans to start a new wife in his garage.
Q: Will the divorce affect their charitable foundation?
A: No, Plan Ultimate Eradication will proceed as planned.
Q: Does this divorce mean the 1987 Patrick Dempsey film Can’t Buy Me Love was right?
A: It’s a hard pill to swallow, but yes.