The FDA recently granted emergency authorization to two coronavirus vaccines for children under 5 years old, the first such immunizations approved for this age group. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about Covid vaccines for infants and toddlers.
Q: Will it make my infant child infertile?
A: No, but that’s a weird first question.
Q: What factors led to the FDA’s authorization?
A: Those sick fucks are desperate for any pretext to stick needles in children.
Q: How should parents decide which vaccine to get for their children?
A: Scientists recommend Moderna for your favorite kid and whatever you can get for the others.
Q: Can I believe absolutely crazy things about this vaccine too?
A: It’s the same vaccine that’s given to adults, but since this one’s for children, your ideas should be even crazier.
Q: Will there be a one-shot Johnson & Johnson vaccine for kids under 5?
A: No, only real vaccines will be given to young children.
Q: Will my finicky kid like the taste?
A: Vaccines are meant to be injected, but go ahead, have the doctor give ’em a little squirt in the mouth if they’re curious.
Q: What does Dr. Fauci think about this new ruling?
A: Dr. Fauci is dead, and fear is our only guide now.
Q: We’ve still pretty much given up on trying to convince anyone skeptical of the vaccine to get it at this point, right?
A: Right.
Q: Can we get ice cream after?
A: If you don’t make a fuss.