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What To Know About Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill

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Gov. Ron DeSantis recently signed Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” House Bill 1557 into law amid a firestorm of controversy. The Onion answers common questions about the legislation, which opponents have termed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

Q: What does the bill do?
A: Gives the only good teachers still left in the Florida school system the final push they needed to become accountants.

Q: Who sponsored this legislation?
A: Rep. Erin Grall, who once got cut off in traffic by a car with a bumper sticker that read, “I’d Rather Be Educating Children About LGBTQ Issues.”

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Q: What about children who have already been exposed to discussions on sexual orientation and gender identity?
A: They are irreversibly tainted and must be eliminated.

Q: Did DeSantis support the bill to help a future presidential run?
A: It’s deeply cynical to think he wouldn’t sign it purely to punish gay people.

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Q: Can residents still say “gay” as a slur? 
A: By all means!

Q: Could this bill’s passage have ramifications in other states?
A: Texas is admittedly pretty embarrassed they didn’t think of it first.

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Q: Is this kind of legislation unusual?
A: Yes, normally it’s tacked onto a spending bill.

Q: Isn’t this a violation of free speech?
A: The First Amendment actually only protects comparisons of minor inconveniences to historical atrocities.

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Q: Why are proponents of the bill talking so much about “grooming”?
A: It’s how many Republican lawmakers get their wives.