Charles III, the king of the United Kingdom and its 14 other commonwealth realms, acceded to the throne Sept. 8 following the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about King Charles III and the expectations of his rule.
Q: Who is Charles III, the new king of Britain?
A: The man who makes your mom shake her head and mutter “Camilla” whenever she sees him on TV.
Q: What was he doing before becoming king?
A: Using his vast power and connections to help change—wait, no. Nothing. He was doing nothing.
Q: How will becoming king change Charles’ day-to-day life?
A: Irrevocably: His 11 a.m. tea will have to shift to 11:30 on days when he must attend a mall opening.
Q: What are his plans for consolidating power?
A: Executing a few cousins just to be on the safe side.
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Q: How will his rule compare to Charles I and Charles II?
A: He’ll likely be less popular than Charles II but less beheaded than Charles I.
Q: Is he as beloved as his mother?
A: Not yet, but in time he will be beloved for no good reason too.
Q: Does the king of England have any real power?
A: No, just millions of dollars and a position of massive social influence.
Q: Is it true he’s been outspoken about climate change?
A: Yes, he was worried the earth would become uninhabitable before he could get his hands on the throne.
Q: How do the British feel about their new king?
A: The British are incapable of feeling anything.
Q: What’s the most important act King Charles III will accomplish? A: Dying.