What To Know About Monkeypox

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Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.

Q: How do you catch monkeypox?
A: Through a bite or scratch from an infected animal, via air droplets, or by touching an infected person to see what their blisters feel like.


Q: What’s the worst symptom?
A: The burning sense of shame you feel about catching something called monkeypox.

Q: What are the side effects? 
A: Flu-like symptoms and misplaced bigotry.

Q: How effective is ivermectin in treating monkeypox? 
A: Not this again.

Q: How many Americans have died from either monkeypox or the Challenger spacecraft explosion?
A: Seven.


Q: Is monkeypox a pandemic?
A: Only by old 2019 standards.

Q: What should I know about how the disease is spread? 
A: Until we understand more about it, it’s best to operate under the basic assumption that it’s gay people’s fault.


Q: Why didn’t global health officials stop the outbreak when they had a chance?
A: No virus is taken seriously until it leaves Africa.

Q: Can monkeypox be transmitted sexually?
A: If the mood is right, sure.

Q: Is the nation’s healthcare infrastructure equipped to handle an unexpected overload on our hospitals caused by a new epidemic?
A: Take a wild guess.