“Quiet quitting” is the new buzzword sweeping workplaces across the country, although the issues it really reflects can be confusing. The Onion answers common questions about the “quiet quitting” phenomenon.
Q: What is quiet quitting?
A: Entitled employees trying to drive their companies to financial ruin by deliberately doing their jobs.
Q: In what types of jobs are people quiet quitting?
A: Every single one that can get away with it.
Q: Is this really a new thing?
A: No, but there’s a snappy name for it now.
Q: Aren’t people who quiet quit just lazy?
A: Yes, and many are so profoundly lazy they take on second or third jobs to quiet quit as well.
Q: How can a manager tell if their employees are quiet quitting?
A: There will be a significant increase in employees sitting at their desk wearing sunglasses with open eyes painted on them.
Q: Is quiet quitting a form of passive revolt against a capitalist system that expects employees to work unpaid while employers contribute not a penny more than agreed upon?
A: Ugh, shut up, pinko.
Q: How can companies make employees more dedicated to their work?
A: Raises, healthcare, paid sick leave, vacations, and equity are obviously all off the table, but have they considered bi-monthly Zoom parties?
Q: Are there quiet quitters at The Onion?
A: No, The Onion respects work-life balance and does not expect its reporters to toil more than the minimum 168 hours per week.
Q: Does it mean I’d have to spend more time with my family?
A: Oh, you can quiet quit them too.