A man allegedly attacked Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, at their California home early Friday morning, prompting renewed concerns over political violence. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the attack on Pelosi’s husband.
Q: Who is Paul Pelosi?
A: A decent Plan B in a pinch.
Q: What did the attacker want?
A: To have a calm, reasonable discussion with Nancy Pelosi about the 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.
Q: Did it hurt?
Q: How have Republicans responded?
A: Barely able to hide their disappointment that Nancy wasn’t home.
Q: What are the assailant’s political beliefs?
A: The kind that make someone drive to Nancy Pelosi’s house with a hammer.
Q: Was the attack inspired by the Pelosis allegedly committing insider trading?
A: No, the attacker’s grasp of conspiracies doesn’t rise to that level of sophistication.
Q: How have Democratic leaders responded?
A: Pelosi is reportedly disgusted by her colleagues offering utterly meaningless thoughts and prayers.
Q: Are there any prominent conspiracy theories about the attack?
A: Social media users are already debating the possibility of a second hammerer.
Q: How can we prevent attacks like this from happening?
A: Create meaningful legislation to provide mental healthcare to marginalized members of society and travel back in time 50 years or so to implement it.
Q: Will Paul Pelosi be okay?
A: Yes, but he’ll never open the door to someone holding balloons and a giant check ever again.