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What To Know About The Collapse Of FTX

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The practically overnight collapse of cryptocurrency exchange FTX has set off a host of questions about its founder, Sam Bankman-Fried, and the future of cryptocurrency, which can all be very confusing to people who aren’t that smart. The Onion translates what happened at FTX into answers that even our dumbest readers can understand.

Q: What is FTX? 
A: Something you were supposed to care about because it was considered the future, but now it doesn’t matter!

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Q: Who started FTX?
A: Crypto whiz kid Sam Bankman-Fried, who has received widespread praise as the future of financial fraud.

Q: Where is FTX based? 
A: The Bahamas, but strictly for tax evasion purposes.

Q: What led FTX to declare bankruptcy? 
A: Like many Americans, FTX went bankrupt after being unable to pay the bills for their emergency stadium naming rights.

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Q: Is it true that FTX mishandled customer funds? 
A: No, using them to prop up a series of increasingly risky financial maneuvers is precisely why people invest in crypto.

Q: What is the “effective altruism” philosophy Bankman-Fried practices?
A: A movement to allocate one’s money to where it can do the most benefit for oneself.

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Q: Will the government bail FTX out? 
A: No, Congress only bails out reputable gambling firms.

Q: So if FTX is bankrupt, which exchange is more trustworthy for my remaining crypto assets, Coincheck or Bitstamp?
A: You are going to lose all of your money.

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Q: How will regulators monitor the crypto industry to protect investors?
A: Sources reveal the SEC recently purchased its first computer.

Q: Does FTX’s collapse mean cryptocurrency is dead?
A: No, thankfully there will always be people out there who believe in the power of getting swindled.