The B.1.1.529, or Omicron, variant of the coronavirus was reported by the World Health Organization on November 24, and speculation about it is now running rampant. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Covid Omicron variant.
Q: Where was this new variant first detected?
A: A panicked email forwarded from your mom.
Q: Aren’t there still a lot of unknowns?
A: Look, if we don’t speculate now, we won’t have half-truths to clarify later.
Q: Where did this variant originate?
A: The unwillingness of rich countries to share vaccine IP sure didn’t help.
Q: Is Omicron in my state?
A: It’s actually lurking inside your house watching you as you read this.
Q: How should your average citizen prepare for this?
A: Buy Pfizer stock.
Q: Who should I blame for this latest variant?
A: Everyone who has not reacted to the pandemic in the exact same way that you have.
Q: How many more variants will there be?
Q: When you think about it, Covid-19 mutations are kind of like X-Men, each with its own special powers...
A: That’s not a question, but yes, good point.
Q: Does this mean I won’t be returning to the office?
A: Ha, see you at 9 a.m. tomorrow with our coffee.