The spread of the Delta coronavirus variant is prompting renewed concerns about the dangers of Covid. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Delta Covid variant..
Q: What is the Delta variant?
A: The reason life won’t be returning to normal in the fall.
Q: What’s new about the Delta variant?
A: Standard security updates, performance improvements, and bug fixes.
Q: Why is the B.1617.2 variant being called Delta?
A: In a competitive industry, variants utilize stage names for promotional appeal.
Q: I’m Delta Air Lines CEO Ed Bastian. Couldn’t we call it something else, like Epsilon?
A: No can do, Eddie. But hey, does that necessarily mean Delta Air Lines is responsible for the Delta virus? Should Delta Air Lines be associated in the public’s mind with the spread of the deadly Delta coronavirus? Who can say? We’re just asking questions here.
Q: Do I need to be worried about it if I’m fully vaccinated?
A: No, recent studies have shown that if you’re fully vaccinated, you can never die.
Q: What’s with all these variants?
A: Covid is faster, smarter, and more democratic than our vaccine outreach.
Q: How will it affect unvaccinated populations?
A: There’s never a better time than the present to call someone and let them know you love them.
Q: What should we do to curb its spread?
A: All the same things we haven’t been doing.