What To Know About The European Heat Wave

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A record-breaking heat wave is sweeping across Europe. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the European heat wave.

Q: How hot is it expected to get?
A: Some number that initially seems low, but then you remember it’s Celsius, and you’re like, holy shit.


Q: Is this related to Brexit?
A: No, although it’s taken longer than it used to for UK cargo ships to import the heat from the continent.

Q: Should I still go backpacking in Europe this summer?
A: You were just dying to bring that up, weren’t you?


Q: What’s the best way to represent the situation pictorially?
A: A cartoon sun with a beret fanning itself with an issue of Le Monde.

Q: What can I do to protect myself and my family from the worsening effects of global warming?
A: Attain massive levels of wealth.


Q: Is it true that a French lawmaker said they are in hell?
A: Yes, but the French also talk like that when things are going well.

Q: Are there countries successfully managing the heat wave?
A: Countries like Greenland have avoided it by strategically locating themselves in the Arctic Circle.


Q: Is the U.S. government assisting Europe during the heat wave?
A: Congress sent 10,000 shipments of war weapons to aid Europe in the fight against the weather.

Q: Are humans to blame for the conditions creating this extreme heat?
A: That’s kind of a pointed question, don’t you think?