What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled What To Know About The Ghislaine Maxwell Trial

The trial for Ghislaine Maxwell began Monday in Manhattan. The Onion answers the most important questions about the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell.

Q: Who is Ghislaine Maxwell?
A: A wealthy British socialite known for her connection to Jeffrey Epstein and to absolutely no one else, nothing to see here.


Q: How is she related to Epstein? 
A: She could be the sole heir to the remainder of his prison sentence.

Q: What is her expected defense?
A: Some combination of “The prosecution has no case” and “Come on, 15 is practically 18.”


Q: What role did she play in the sex-trafficking ring?
A: Objection! Speculation.

Q: Why aren’t cameras allowed in the courtroom? 
A: In case she needs to die halfway through.


Q: Why did it take so long for people to realize her blood-testing company was having so many problems?
A: You might be getting your high-profile trials confused here.

Q: How does she plead?
A: Wealthy and connected.

Q: How are the Clintons involved in this trial? 
A: How much time do you have?

Q: If convicted, what does she face?
A: No less than three documentaries, with the possibility of a podcast for good behavior.