The trial for Ghislaine Maxwell began Monday in Manhattan. The Onion answers the most important questions about the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell.
Q: Who is Ghislaine Maxwell?
A: A wealthy British socialite known for her connection to Jeffrey Epstein and to absolutely no one else, nothing to see here.
Q: How is she related to Epstein?
A: She could be the sole heir to the remainder of his prison sentence.
Q: What is her expected defense?
A: Some combination of “The prosecution has no case” and “Come on, 15 is practically 18.”
Q: What role did she play in the sex-trafficking ring?
A: Objection! Speculation.
Q: Why aren’t cameras allowed in the courtroom?
A: In case she needs to die halfway through.
Q: Why did it take so long for people to realize her blood-testing company was having so many problems?
A: You might be getting your high-profile trials confused here.
Q: How does she plead?
A: Wealthy and connected.
Q: How are the Clintons involved in this trial?
A: How much time do you have?
Q: If convicted, what does she face?
A: No less than three documentaries, with the possibility of a podcast for good behavior.