What To Know About The Spotted Lanternfly Invasion

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Officials in multiple states have put out orders to kill spotted lanternflies on sight. The Onion answers common questions about the spotted lanternfly and its presence in the U.S.

Q: What is a spotted lanternfly? 
A: An invasive insect that threatens trees, commercial crops, and most terrifying of all, vineyards.


Q: Where do they come from?
A: If we tell you, do you promise not to be racist about it?

Q: What do they want?
A: To wipe New Jersey off the map.

Q: What is their main predator?
A: A size 9.5 shoe.

Q: Are they dangerous to humans? 
A: They could land on you during an important press conference and be quite distracting.


Q: If a lot of them attack at once, will I finally be able to justify my purchase of an AR-15?
A: No.

Q: What’s the best tool for squashing them? 
A: The 1997 “Yep, I’m Gay” Ellen cover issue of Time magazine..


Q: Can I kill a lanternfly by slowly pulling it apart?
A: Only if you don’t enjoy it too much.

Q: Isn’t exterminating things cruel? 
A: They’d do the same to us if they had the chance.


Q: How will their presence affect everyday Americans?
A: You’ll find out in five to 10 years.