Recent revelations that former President Donald Trump directed the U.S. Justice Department to seek compromising information on politicians, journalists, and others he didn’t like has sent shockwaves through Washington. The Onion looks at the most important things you need to know about Trump’s Justice Department seeking information on his enemies.
Q: Why did Trump seek intelligence on politicians, journalists, and others?
A: He wanted to be able to surprise them with the perfect gift.
Q: Are investigations of this kind out of the ordinary?
A: Yes, normally they’re covered up better.
Q: What’s the benefit of calling Trump officials to testify about this now?
A: Some photos of congressional Democrats looking tough to use in 2024 campaign ads.
Q: Is Trump responsible for this?
A: Per the Constitution, the president is not responsible for any actions resulting from his direct orders.
Q: Why didn’t Biden’s DOJ come forward to expose their predecessor’s secret investigations?
A: A little something called class.
Q: What did Trump’s Justice Department discover?
A: Apple’s pathetic willingness to cooperate with the government.
Q: What are the long-term consequences of this scandal?
A: 3 to 5 news cycles.
Q: What lesson can we learn from this?
A: That anyone who reports on government spying will also be spied on.