What To Read While Social Distancing

Becoming: Responding to the works of Aristotle, Kant, and Heidegger, Michelle Obama’s philosophical opus sees the first lady questioning the core ontological concepts behind modern notions of what it means for a subject to “become.”

Naked Lunch: The chapters of William Burroughs’ dark and disturbing surrealist masterpiece can be read in any order, so feel free to throw your hands up in confusion and just quit whenever you want.

2020 Hot Rod Calendar: Flip through this calendar with rippin’ rods and busty babes as you reckon with a quantitative physical measurement of the time you’re losing to Covid-19.

A Brief History Of Time: Stephen Hawking’s pop-science book is the perfect way to learn about physics in a way that leaves you sure you understand until you try to explain it to a friend.

The Little Snail Who Lived In A World Without A Pandemic And Never Thought About It: A beautifully illustrated children’s book can briefly help you and your kids escape coronavirus.

Your Daughter’s Diary: If you want to respect her privacy and not learn about all the substances she’s trying, that’s up to you. But trust us, you’ll want to read this thing. Especially about what she did back in February with that Jeremy Pryor kid while you were away for the weekend. Holy shit.

Dozens Of “What To Read” Recommendation Lists: If you still aren’t sure what book to pick up, just keep reading lists like these ad nauseam as you look to media outlets to spell every one of life’s little decisions out for you, you pathetic sheep.

The Stand: Stephen King’s bestselling novel can help remind you that as bad as things are in this pandemic, at least you’re not trapped in a world of superficial characters and poorly thought-out plot mechanics.

MLA Handbook Eighth Edition: If you aren’t going to be productive, you can at least learn how to use a goddamn semicolon;

The Room: Look around, bucko. No one wants you here. Especially if you’re going to make comments like that.

Alaklaxar Daemonia: It has been sitting on the dresser since you found it amid that ruined, burnt-out hovel in the woods. Why not just open it? Do you hear the voices? Open it.