What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder

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Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say.

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“Someone is using your pictures on Tinder to make you look like a loser.”

It’s only polite to offer them a chance to save face before you humiliate them in front of the entire office.

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“But what of your vows, sister?”

If the onboarding process at your job involves taking any kind of vows of chastity, this would qualify as a direct conflict.

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“Why are you on Tinder when I’ve been sexually harassing you for months?”

Rude people like this deserve to be confronted.

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“I didn’t know you had a sex life outside of work.”

Turns out they fuck all kinds of places besides the break room.

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“You look really fat and stupid in all these photos.”

Some lighthearted ribbing should defuse any awkwardness.

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“So that’s why you needed me to take pics of you doing dumbbell squats in a bikini.”

Wasn’t a total waste of your lunch break after all.

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“I need you to work late next week.”

It’s a lot easier to tell them this online than in person.

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“Oh, so you’re willing to hook up with strangers but not your overbearing boss!”

This type of hypocrisy from your employees is unacceptable.

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“I’m going to tell HR you have desires of the flesh.”

As a sexless worker drone, it’s important you sniff out those who would impair the workflow with their carnal needs.

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“I shall not know you in life; nor shall I know you in death.”

And ignore them in person as always.

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“If we combine our hourly pay, we might be able to afford a steak dinner by next weekend.”

Since you both know you don’t make enough for a meal at a nice restaurant, discuss options ahead of time.

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“Oh my God, I had no idea you were craving a no-strings-attached deep-dicking that would leave your pussy sopping wet and begging for more!”

It’s amazing how you can work with someone for years and not know these basic aspects of their personal life.

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“Nudes.”

It’s technically not sexual harassment if you don’t end with a question mark.

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“What do you do for work?”

Always good to play it cool and show interest in their lives.

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“I preferred you under fluorescent lighting.”

This is really a compliment if you think about it.

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“I know where you spend 10 hours a day!”

While true, not a great way to start a conversation.

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“I stole 500 pens from the office, and I plan to sell them for an extremely small profit. You want in?”

Entrepreneurship is all about taking any opportunity you can to network.

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“Hi.”

Can’t go wrong with a classic!

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