Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.
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“I killed myself.”
“I killed myself.”
It’s a bit extreme, but your therapist can’t be that good if she didn’t see the warning signs.
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“It’s not you, it’s my insurance provider.”
“It’s not you, it’s my insurance provider.”
This excuse is extremely plausible and prevents hurt feelings.
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“Things are actually getting kind of serious with my cardiologist.”
“Things are actually getting kind of serious with my cardiologist.”
Best to focus on one relationship at a time.
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“[Subject: Ending Therapy]”
“[Subject: Ending Therapy]”
Or whatever. It’s an email. You weren’t seriously going to do this shit in person, were you?
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“I think I’ve done all I can to ignore all of your advice.”
“I think I’ve done all I can to ignore all of your advice.”
If a patient has ignored all of your advice, what more can a therapist ask for?
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“Later, hombre.”
“Later, hombre.”
Just keep it chill.
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“Hey, you tried your best.”
“Hey, you tried your best.”
It’s always smart to bookend bad news with a compliment.
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“Tomorrow I ship off to war.”
“Tomorrow I ship off to war.”
Your therapist will just assume you died in a brave act of selfless defense of the nation.
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“I’ve been doing a lot better”
“I’ve been doing a lot better”
This won’t be the first time you’ve lied to your therapist.
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“Brach’s was founded in 1904—I’d like to discontinue therapy—by German immigrant Emil J. Brach, who invested $1,000 to open a candy store called Palace of Sweets...”
“Brach’s was founded in 1904—I’d like to discontinue therapy—by German immigrant Emil J. Brach, who invested $1,000 to open a candy store called Palace of Sweets...”
Soften the blow by casually inserting the breakup in a much longer history of Brach’s Confections.
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Nothing.
Nothing.
Sometimes it’s easier to just stop showing up and then ignore all their calls. If you haven’t overcome your fear of confrontation by now, that’s kind of on them.
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“You’ll find another pathetic loser in no time.”
“You’ll find another pathetic loser in no time.”
Your therapist can only dream.
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“If we’re both not seeing anyone else 10 years, maybe we could get back together.”
“If we’re both not seeing anyone else 10 years, maybe we could get back together.”
Good to leave the door open.
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“I wanted someone who could tell me my future.”
“I wanted someone who could tell me my future.”
Maybe they can refer you to a clinician with psychic abilities.
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“I’ve experienced ego death through a week long psychedelic retreat.”
“I’ve experienced ego death through a week long psychedelic retreat.”
Say no more. Hell, you could be their therapist now.
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“I am to be married to King Henry VIII on the morrow.”
“I am to be married to King Henry VIII on the morrow.”
Once you are of the royal House of Tudor, your troubles will cease.
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“I won’t be killing myself this month after all.”
“I won’t be killing myself this month after all.”
Plans change, and mental health professions need to know that and be flexible.
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“I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist.”
“I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist.”
Trading up for an MD will definitely hit ‘em right where it hurts.
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“I was killed two years ago in Afghanistan.”
“I was killed two years ago in Afghanistan.”
It’d be really gross of them to challenge the integrity of a fallen soldier.
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“It’s my turn to be your therapist.”
“It’s my turn to be your therapist.”
They’re not going to let you turn the tables on them, or if they do, at least you’ll be getting paid.
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“My dad died.”
“My dad died.”
Sounds like the cause of all your emotional traumas is taken care of!
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“I no longer wish to see you.”
“I no longer wish to see you.”
Time to find out whether all that advice to be honest and direct about your needs was real.
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“I’ve decided to give up on myself.”
“I’ve decided to give up on myself.”
Honesty is the best policy.
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