If you know someone struggling to pay their gas, grocery, or utility bills as inflation continues to soar, here are some things you should definitely say.
“I’ll pay you to kill my wife.”
Offer them the perfect opportunity to dig themselves out of their unfortunate financial hole.
“I’m here for you—until January, when the cost of living will force me to move to Ohio.”
Offer support, but also give them a heads-up that you’re packing up for Columbus before you go into thousands of dollars in debt.
“The world gained more than 500 new billionaires during the pandemic.”
Ease their stress by reminding them that their standing in our class system is more permanent now than ever before.
“Oh, right, my butler told me that was becoming an issue for some of the commoners.”
Reminding them of your fabulous wealth will help encourage them to work harder and become fabulously wealthy themselves.
“But what about this quarter I found behind your ear?”
Oh, great, now they’ve lost that too.
“Have you considered swapping your lunch of a $15 salad with a $14 sandwich?”
Help them survey their slightly-less-overpriced food options near the office.
“Now’s the perfect time to put everything into crypto.”
They wouldn’t want to miss out on this incredible, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
“Have you considered the possibility you weren’t meant to survive?”
Unfettered capitalism isn’t for everyone.
“Isn’t it inspiring that, a year into the pandemic, Amazon’s profits were up 220%?”
If Amazon can pull itself up by its bootstraps, anyone can!
“At least you have your cancer diagnosis to take your mind off things.”
They need to appreciate the little things in life they already have.
“You’re always welcome to crash on my front steps.”
You don’t want them getting their poor, dirty hands on anything inside your home.
“Kids don’t need food.”
When they panic about the cost of groceries, remind them that children don’t require sustenance until they turn at least 15.
“Food is expensive because the corporations that distribute it are also struggling.”
They will probably be too disoriented from starvation to realize you are lying.
“It’s only happening to you.”
Remind them this is their fault.
“Maybe you and your family could make money through a string of high-profile bank robberies.”
Sadly, the planning and expertise required to pull off such a caper are outside the average working family’s capabilities.
“At least you have that cool hat.”
It’s being repossessed.
“Maybe you should sell one of your children.”
It’s at least worth testing their value on the open market.
“I’ll give you 15 bunches of wheat for a bundle of paraffin.”
Go back to the basics by kick-starting a bartering-based micro-economy with them.
“Stock up on stuff where it’s cheaper, such as Walmart back in 2004.”
Most time-travel experiences let you bring a carload of goods back with you.
“Stop buying food.”
You’ll hardly notice a difference!
“Three kids was one too many anyways.”
Perspective is key.
“You know what never gets devalued? The love of Jesus Christ.”
Just watch their eyes light up with understanding!