What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote

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With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote.

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“But our government officials worked so hard on gerrymandering.”

Politicians worked for decades to rig the system. The least citizens can do is vote so that our corrupt system can operate the way it was designed to.

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“Really? All you need is to have an ID, be an American citizen, not have a felony on your record, be 18 or over, and be free during limited hours on a specific Tuesday in November?”

Sometimes it helps to simply remind people how easy it is to vote.

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“Same.”

It feels good to finally admit it.

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“This is a good start, but you need to convince your friends not to vote as well.”

Careful, now, Senator Johnson. You don’t want to get greedy.

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“Fine, more votes for me.”

They may vote just to keep you from having a lot of something.

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“You can trade your vote in for favors at a later date.”

They just have to remind the candidate once they’re in office that they are owed a filled-in pothole or two, and it’s done.

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“They have a bowl of Jolly Ranchers at the polling place.”

Specify that it’s good flavors, too.

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“But if the Marquis wins the support of the Chamber of Lords, then war is sure to follow!”

The Duke of Cornbush is a flawed man, but his ambitions have been tempered by many winters.

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“I guess I’ll just go tell Lady Liberty that democracy is over.”

The sound of the Statue of Liberty weeping is enough to soften the hardest heart.

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“But think of all the soldiers who died so that a certain subset of Americans could always enjoy this right!”

This will definitely help motivate them to vote, provided they are part of that certain subset of Americans.

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“You’re going to make the candidates feel sad.”

Look at their little faces!

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“Yeah, so I’ll have the chicken fajitas.”

Sometimes it’s best to just move on from the conversation and finish your meal order.

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“Your vote could change the life of the guy you’re electing.”

Even if the outcome of this election won’t change anything for them, it’s important to think about the guy who really wants this job.

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“Where do you fall on the political spectrum?”

It’s best to make sure this skeptic aligns with your political beliefs 100% before trying to persuade them to vote.

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“Okay, don’t.”

Who’s the contrarian now?

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“Cool, do you want to grab lunch?”

Looks like you’re both free!

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“How do you expect anything to change?”

Listen up closely if they have an answer, since this voting thing really doesn’t seem to be working.

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“Voting booth fatalities are rare.”

Be ready with statistics that show fewer than 50 people per election cycle step into a pool of lava or bottomless pit.

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“Are you comfortable with being blamed for single-handedly destroying democracy?”

If they believe their vote matters, this should convince them.

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“Citizens of some countries don’t even have the illusion that their vote matters.”

Ask them if they can imagine what it would be like to live in a place where elections don’t change anything.

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“Do you want your dog back or not?”

For this to really resonate, you will unfortunately have to abduct a dog.

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“Okay, but Laura Dern is really going to be disappointed.”

They can do what they want, but they should know that the Academy Award winner won’t ever see them the same way again.

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“Jesus didn’t vote, and look at what happened to him.”

Crucifixion doesn’t look too comfortable.

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“Our Founding Fathers would not give birth to you.”

If they want to be one of the founders’ babies, then they need to vote like they want to be one of their babies.

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“But it’s important that it’s our political party that gets to bomb poor countries.”

The lives of innocent civilians are at stake.

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“When I’m treasurer of this middle school, I’ll remember your betrayal.”

Dissidents must be purged in order to ensure a stable rule.

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“P. Diddy almost died for your right to vote.”

Diddy’s sacrifice to the culture will not go uncelebrated if you have anything to say about it.

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“Most employers are happy to give workers the day off to vote.”

Let ’em find out the bitter truth the next morning.

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“Sure, on issues that matter, like healthcare and climate change, there isn’t a huge difference between the two candidates, and the two-party system really only creates the illusion of choice, so maybe you have a point.”

Oh no, you started out thinking you were about to convince them to vote, but now you’ve convinced yourself not to vote.

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“Voting is one of the most important farces upholding the illusion of democracy.”

The Founding Fathers intended for every voice to pretend to be heard.

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“Please.”

Maybe the 80 million Americans who didn’t vote in the last election just needed to hear the magic word.