What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

What To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Have Kids

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Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.

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“My genitals don’t work too good.”

“My genitals don’t work too good.”

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Unless they’re a doctor, chances are they’re not going to want to hear about all your messed-up holes and tubes.

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“I accidentally spilled the IVF dish.”

“I accidentally spilled the IVF dish.”

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Many people don’t know it but clumsiness during in-vitro fertilization is actually the number-one cause of infertility in humans.

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“The Bible says that anyone who has children will die in a blimp accident.”

“The Bible says that anyone who has children will die in a blimp accident.”

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No matter what, they’ll have to respect your devotion to religion.

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“Until the Broncos find someone who can really excel at quarterback, I just don’t see them making a deep playoff run.”

“Until the Broncos find someone who can really excel at quarterback, I just don’t see them making a deep playoff run.”

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Everyone knows that someone asking why you don’t have kids is really just a polite way of asking for your thoughts on the Denver Broncos.

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“It’s not child-bearing season.”

“It’s not child-bearing season.”

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A lot of people are completely unaware that the optimal time for birthing children is between April and August.

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“I have bad aim at my wife’s vagina.”

“I have bad aim at my wife’s vagina.”

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People forget that it’s pretty easy to miss your partner’s vagina during intercourse while trying to conceive if you don’t know how to aim or where to put it.

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“As a human, it is impossible to have children.”

“As a human, it is impossible to have children.”

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Just hope they didn’t take biology in high school or else they may call you out on your bluff.

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“I’m Casey Anthony, and my lawyer said I can’t talk to you.”

“I’m Casey Anthony, and my lawyer said I can’t talk to you.”

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If you’re fortunate enough to be Casey Anthony, you will never have to answer this question.

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“I left those annoying little shits in Palm Beach.”

“I left those annoying little shits in Palm Beach.”

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Self-explanatory.

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“We don’t want to make any extra work for Santa Claus.”

“We don’t want to make any extra work for Santa Claus.”

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Anyone will appreciate and respect the empathy and thoughtfulness of this answer.

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“I don’t have Instagram.”

“I don’t have Instagram.”

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The point of having a kid is to post every waking moment of their life on Instagram, so if you don’t have a profile, there’s not much use to bringing new life into this world.

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“The family court’s ruling was final.”

“The family court’s ruling was final.”

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A bit of an overshare but should prevent any further questions into your personal life.

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“Or do I?!”

“Or do I?!”

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Then pull several children from your top hat to the delight of everyone watching.

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“We’re still waiting to see how viable human space colonies are.”

“We’re still waiting to see how viable human space colonies are.”

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You can never think too far ahead when it comes to family planning.

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“I’m still too full from lunch.”

“I’m still too full from lunch.”

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No one wants to have sex after a big sloppy meatball sub.

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“I lost them in poker.”

“I lost them in poker.”

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Most parents will egregiously bet on a three of a kind on the turn and then lose to a full house.

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“The war.”

“The war.”

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This will rattle anyone who asks, making them instantly regret bringing up such a sensitive topic.

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“Oh, my God! My kid!”

“Oh, my God! My kid!”

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This simple answer allows you to exit the conversation and pretend to sprint away, screaming for your unattended child.

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