What To Tell A 10-Year-Old Who Has Been Denied An Abortion

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If you know a pregnant 10-year-old who has been denied the right to terminate her pregnancy, here are some comforting things you can say.

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“Take it up with Alito, kid.”

If she’s going to be a mother, she’s going to have to be responsible enough to fight her own legal battles.

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“You can terminate your pregnancy when you get your grades up, sweetie.”

Almost definitely untrue, but it should at least get her to do her homework.

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“In 1939, Lina Marcela Medina de Jurado gave birth when she was just 5.”

It’s best to temper her expectations of setting any world records.

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“You’ll be able to stay up past your bedtime now that you’ll have a kid.”

A perk of having a kid that young is that now her parents can’t make her go to bed early because she’ll have to focus on getting her own kid to bed.

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“Here are the easiest ways you can donate $25 to ActBlue.”

See, they feel better already!

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“Hopefully you haven’t thrown out any of your old baby clothes yet.”

Infant fashion styles haven’t really changed that much over the past 10 years.

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“This means I’ll be a hot young grandma.”

When she realizes how great this will be for your sex life, she’ll understand.

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“You’ll be such a great mom if you have another kid later in life.”

Just think of this one as practice.

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“Maybe Bath & Body Works sells a cotton-candy-scented stretch-mark cream.”

They can even pick out a maternity ointment with a fun, bedazzled container!

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“At least maternity leave won’t hurt your career.”

Facts! Primary education, however, is a whole different matter.

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“Wow, that’s great, honey.”

She won’t even notice you weren’t paying attention.

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“Carrying your rape baby to term is the only way to ensure you don’t burn in hell for eternity.”

Keep it simple.

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“Your baby could cure death.”

It’s technically possible.

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“This will make a great college essay.”

She won’t appreciate it now, but college admissions officers eat this shit up.

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“If you survive, you’ll get your own real-life dolly!”

That’s Christmas taken care of!

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“This is our fault for being women.”

It’s never too early to instill religious guilt.

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“Slut.”

Well, what else is there to say?

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“A fetus could shield your vital organs in a school shooting.”

Always best to look on the bright side.

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“Dibs on your room if you die during childbirth!”

You gotta swoop in before your other siblings try to muscle in on your territory.

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“At least with the baby you’ll have a friend now.”

She does need more kids to hang out with.

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“Hopefully this will teach you some personal responsibility.”

Then teach her how to spell “responsibility.”

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“You’ve always wanted to take a road trip to Illinois!”

Forget Disney; isn’t a 10-hour drive to Planned Parenthood of Peoria, IL what every child wants?

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“If you disagree with your state’s abortion access laws, then remember to vote eight years from now.”

Democracy only works if citizens participate.

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“You are young enough to be tried as a minor.”

We’re not saying to do anything about it, but we’re not not saying that.

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“Well, who wants ice cream?”

She is eating for two, after all.