Don’t know what to watch? Christ, what a sad problem. You’re pathetic. The Onion is here to uplift your miserable existence with recommendations for what to watch this long Thanksgiving weekend.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: The iconic animated special is one of the few things that can still bring together the old and the very old.
Red Notice: The good people at Netflix spent all this money to bring this nice film to you. The least you could do is give it a shot.
Your Father’s Taped Deposition: Your legal team said it might be useful to watch before you’re questioned.
Crabmania: Holy shit, Crabmania is back, and it’s better than ever, with tens of thousands of crabs duking it out to determine who gets to hold the title King of the Crabs.
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: If, God forbid, tragedy strikes, you won’t want to miss a second.
Watching Your Dad Watch Football: See how excited he is, how purely happy? Why haven’t you ever made him feel that way?
The Beatles: Get Back: Peter Jackson’s new documentary features unseen footage of the band’s iconic OSHA violation for forcing Ringo Starr to work on an uninspected rooftop.
Grace And Frankie Season 2, Episode 5: Looks like Mom has the remote.
King Richard: This inspirational true story follows tennis coach Richard Williams’ tireless battle to win Will Smith an Oscar.
The Clock: Yeah, they’ve only been here 45 minutes.