What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials

What We Know About Elon Musk’s Neuralink Human Trials

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Elon Musk announced that he expects to start human trials of the Neuralink brain chip. Here’s what The Onion knows about this project.

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Going To Kill A Lot Of People

Going To Kill A Lot Of People

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Woo-hoo!

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You’ve Been Selected

You’ve Been Selected

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Open up. They’re at the door.

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Elon Kept The Dead Monkeys

Elon Kept The Dead Monkeys

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He pets them and calls them his children.

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Participants’ Families Will Receive A $15 Gift Certificate To Chili’s If They Experience A Fatal Brain Bleed

Participants’ Families Will Receive A $15 Gift Certificate To Chili’s If They Experience A Fatal Brain Bleed

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Nothing makes the death of a loved one easier than a big plate of chicken crispers.

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The Only Part Of The Brain Neuralink Affects So Far Is The Part Of The Hypothalamus That Controls Hunger

The Only Part Of The Brain Neuralink Affects So Far Is The Part Of The Hypothalamus That Controls Hunger

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Neuralink will be able to wirelessly determine whether or not a user is hungry, and that’s it.

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There Are Already Ads

There Are Already Ads

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Although many advertisers have pulled out citing Musk’s volatility, Neuralink trials were able to beam hours of advertisements directly into monkeys’ brains.

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Requires Entire Head To Be Chopped Off For Few Days

Requires Entire Head To Be Chopped Off For Few Days

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Unfortunately, there was no way around doing this.

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He’s Been Practicing By Drilling Holes In Melons

He’s Been Practicing By Drilling Holes In Melons

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The exact same shape and size of the average human skulls.

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Human Subjects Get To Take Home Part Of Brain Removed To Fit Neuralink

Human Subjects Get To Take Home Part Of Brain Removed To Fit Neuralink

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Participants will receive the six-inch cube of brain matter as a keepsake.

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Will Allow Quadriplegic People To Play Hentai Web Games Without Hands

Will Allow Quadriplegic People To Play Hentai Web Games Without Hands

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Musk has tearfully stressed that allowing the severely disabled to get horny playing classic pornographic Japanese dating sims on Newgrounds.com was what first motivated him to bring Neuralink to humans.

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Smell Like Container Of Clam Juice

Smell Like Container Of Clam Juice

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Not great, obviously, but maybe some people will like it?

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Wires Will Be Concealed

Wires Will Be Concealed

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All cables and power strips will be discreetly hidden by a skin-colored cable sleeve that runs down the back of the user’s neck.

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Implant Itself Shaped Like A Dick Or Bong

Implant Itself Shaped Like A Dick Or Bong

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Musk wanted to be inclusive of all needs.

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Based On Thomas Edison’s Famous Experiment To Insert Steam Engine Into Human Brain

Based On Thomas Edison’s Famous Experiment To Insert Steam Engine Into Human Brain

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Musk looked to one of America’s greatest inventors in designing his experiments, which has already exceeded the Wizard of Menlo Park’s work in the number of pigs and animals maimed or killed.

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They’re Paying A Cool 20 Bucks

They’re Paying A Cool 20 Bucks

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It’s always nice to have extra spending money.

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Tickles A Little As It Kills You

Tickles A Little As It Kills You

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Musk promised that due to neurophysiology, those receiving a Neuralink implant via robotic surgery will feel nothing more than a little tickle as it shuts off essential brain function.

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Will Be Released By End Of 2020

Will Be Released By End Of 2020

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Elon Musk is confident that the technology will be ready to introduce to the public as scheduled.

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Musk Is Going To Have To Give A Shitload Of Money To The FDA To Sneak This Shit Through

Musk Is Going To Have To Give A Shitload Of Money To The FDA To Sneak This Shit Through

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We might be in store for one of the most innovative bribery schemes of all time.

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Currently The Device Is Just An Old DirectTV Satellite Dish Shoved Into A Loose Brain

Currently The Device Is Just An Old DirectTV Satellite Dish Shoved Into A Loose Brain

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Yes, it weighs 30 pounds and sticks out of your skull, but you have to admit that it’s sustainable.

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He Announced Neuralink Is Safe To Use With 38% Of Kinds Of Hats

He Announced Neuralink Is Safe To Use With 38% Of Kinds Of Hats

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Users who wear bucket hats, panama hats, or homburgs can immediately begin using Neuralink.

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It’s Bound To Work

It’s Bound To Work

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Not really worth considering possibilities where things don’t go right.

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Comes With An ‘DogeCoin’ Tramp Stamp

Comes With An ‘DogeCoin’ Tramp Stamp

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The procedure to implant the neuralink chip into a trial member’s skull concludes with the subjects getting a tattoo depicting DogeCoin’s illustrious Doge on their lower back.

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Original Plan Was To Have Elon Musk Plant Himself In People’s Brains

Original Plan Was To Have Elon Musk Plant Himself In People’s Brains

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While it would have been preferable to have the users’ thoughts guided by the billionaire himself, he was simply too big to fit in people’s brains.

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Not Backwards Compatible With Human Heads

Not Backwards Compatible With Human Heads

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Users will have to upgrade to the latest manufactured heads on the market before installing Neuralink.

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A Lucrative Licensing Deal Means That, Initially, Neuralink Devices Will Only Connect To Dyson-Brand Products

A Lucrative Licensing Deal Means That, Initially, Neuralink Devices Will Only Connect To Dyson-Brand Products

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Neuralink users will be able to communicate with all Dyson vacuums, hair dryers, humidifiers, and air purifiers.

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Users May Experience Flashbacks From Monkeys That Previously Used Chips

Users May Experience Flashbacks From Monkeys That Previously Used Chips

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The Neuralink device may cause human test subjects to have visions of the final violent death throes of the monkey that had their microchip during animal testing.

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Human Trials Will Be Volunteer Based

Human Trials Will Be Volunteer Based

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Neuralink trial participants must get into the back of the van of their own free will at gunpoint.

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First-Generation Neuralink Will Have State-Of-The-Art Click Wheel

First-Generation Neuralink Will Have State-Of-The-Art Click Wheel

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Users will be able to easily scroll through brain functions to select “walk,” “speak,” ‘see,” or “breathe.”

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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