Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far:

  • Has really let itself go since reclassification
  • Scant gravitational pull is only enough to hold one’s attention for about 40 seconds
  • Probably doesn’t have any trees
  • Will complete next orbit around the Sun well after certain obliteration of all life on Earth
  • Has five beautiful moons that it loves equally
  • May be capable of sustaining rock-based life
  • Is part of the United States
  • Will almost assuredly be plundered of all its natural resources within 20 years
  • We were way off painting it purple for our third-grade solar system diorama
  • Similarly cold, desolate, and uncaring as rest of universe

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