Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her Platinum Jubilee to honor her 70 years as the queen of England. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the royal Platinum Jubilee.
Q: What is a Platinum Jubilee?
A: A very expensive funeral.
Q: What is the schedule for the occasion?
A: There are a number of ceremonies planned for the four-day event that mostly amount to marching around in ridiculous hats.
Q: Is Prince Andrew invited?
A: Yes, but no plus one.
Q: How should I celebrate the occasion?
It is customary to give the queen 80% of your crops instead of the usual 50.
Q: How has Queen Elizabeth II reigned so long?
A: An indomitable will to keep Charles off the throne.
Q: When would be the best time for foreign nations to invade?
A: During the Elton John concert, when they’re least expecting it.
Q: How is the queen taking part in the Platinum Jubilee?
A: Queen Elizabeth II would never associate herself with such a garish public display.