Here are answers to common questions about the Zika virus, which the World Health Organization declared an international public health emergency:

Q: What is the Zika virus?
A: The subject of your mother’s next phone call to you.

Q: How is the Zika virus transmitted?
A: The virus is primarily transmitted through sexual contact with mosquitoes.

Q: Who is at risk of being infected by the Zika virus?
A: You; your loved ones.

Q: Where can the Zika virus be contracted?
A: The virus will likely remain confined to Central and South America unless people in other parts of the world start having sex or going outside.

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Q: How contagious is Zika?
A: The infection is easily spread through the dozens of alarmist articles about Zika posted online each hour.

Q: Do I have Zika?
A: Yes.

Q: Has the government issued any alerts about Zika?
A: The CDC is urging Americans to leave all wombs immediately.

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Q: Is there a relationship between Guillain-Barré syndrome and the Zika virus?
A: Well, well, well! Looks like someone read the Zika virus Wikipedia entry.

Q: How will this affect the upcoming 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?
A: It should actually be a pretty welcome distraction from the rampant political corruption, serious financial problems, and massive anti-government protests already plaguing the 2016 Games.

Q: What measures should be taken to prevent Zika infection?
A: Befriend the local mosquito population by opening your window and setting out an appeasement of sugar water on the windowsill.

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