What Your Therapist Is Actually Thinking About You While You're Talking

It’s not ethically correct, but many therapists will often steal details from their patients’ lives to punch up their autobiographies.

Your therapist never really had a handle on it until your descriptions of your manic depression finally made it click.

Many therapists are neurotic themselves, and are actually more concerned with the puddle of au jus pooling at their feet than with their patients.

Therapists will never say it out loud, but the fastest way to get over most mental blocks is to simply go all in on your Oedipal complex.

Most therapists, if only for a second, will occasionally forget who they are and what their role is, and have to glance up at their diplomas on the wall to confirm they are, in fact, treating you.

They may never reveal this, and if they do, it’ll be after they determine you’re not as fucked up as your weekly sessions make you seem.

They gambled that you’d be too emotionally overwhelmed to finish your session, and now they’re looking at the 7:15 show.”

In addition to being a health care practitioner, your therapist is also a damaged person that wants to see you suffer.

Though outwardly appearing present, your therapist is incessantly quoting the 2006 Will Ferrell vehicle Talladega Nights in their head while you discuss your trauma.

Repeating positive affirmations is a great way for therapists to cheer themselves up about the seeming pointlessness of their lives while some nobody drones on about how their boss doesn’t respect them.

Just kidding, you’re no different than all the rest of the losers in therapy.

What kind of art preservationist thinks they can just paint whatever the hell they want over the original painting? Can you really blame your therapist for still being baffled by this?

You’re kind of in the middle of a breakthrough right now, but she’s finding it super distracting.

Literally any mention of food would be the perfect way to gain $25 in online credit, but your therapist isn’t afraid to flat-out bring up your eating disorder again if there isn’t a good in soon.