What Your Therapist Is Actually Thinking About You While You're Talking

“This would be great in my memoir”

It’s not ethically correct, but many therapists will often steal details from their patients’ lives to punch up their autobiographies.

“Oh! So that’s what bipolar disorder is.”

Your therapist never really had a handle on it until your descriptions of your manic depression finally made it click.

“Is my dipped beef dripping too much?”

Many therapists are neurotic themselves, and are actually more concerned with the puddle of au jus pooling at their feet than with their patients.

“This guy should have sex with his mom and kill his dad.”

Therapists will never say it out loud, but the fastest way to get over most mental blocks is to simply go all in on your Oedipal complex.

“Wait, am I the client or therapist?”

Most therapists, if only for a second, will occasionally forget who they are and what their role is, and have to glance up at their diplomas on the wall to confirm they are, in fact, treating you.

“Holy shit, this is the baby I gave up for adoption.”

They may never reveal this, and if they do, it’ll be after they determine you’re not as fucked up as your weekly sessions make you seem.

“Looks like I’m missing the 4:30 Jungle Cruise.”

They gambled that you’d be too emotionally overwhelmed to finish your session, and now they’re looking at the 7:15 show.”

“I hope he doesn’t realize I’ve been secretly using all this information to ruin his life even more.”

In addition to being a health care practitioner, your therapist is also a damaged person that wants to see you suffer.

“I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!”

Though outwardly appearing present, your therapist is incessantly quoting the 2006 Will Ferrell vehicle Talladega Nights in their head while you discuss your trauma.

“I have value. People care about me and like me.”

Repeating positive affirmations is a great way for therapists to cheer themselves up about the seeming pointlessness of their lives while some nobody drones on about how their boss doesn’t respect them.

“This person is so deep and complicated, what a unique challenge for me to unlock this enigmatic soul.”

Just kidding, you’re no different than all the rest of the losers in therapy.

“The female lead in 2001 rom-com Head Over Heels is an art preservationist, and while restoring a painting at the end, she just fully paints over the slightly damaged portrait with Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s face because she’s so in love with him now that she puts his head in the painting, and somehow doesn’t get fired—her colleagues all tell her ‘good job,’ in fact.”

What kind of art preservationist thinks they can just paint whatever the hell they want over the original painting? Can you really blame your therapist for still being baffled by this?

“Should I say something about the black widow spider sitting on the center of his nose?”

You’re kind of in the middle of a breakthrough right now, but she’s finding it super distracting.

The Best Way To Work Their Postmates Referral Code Into The Conversation

Literally any mention of food would be the perfect way to gain $25 in online credit, but your therapist isn’t afraid to flat-out bring up your eating disorder again if there isn’t a good in soon.