What’s Next For Jeff Bezos?

Illustration for article titled What’s Next For Jeff Bezos?

Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do next.

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  • Retire to quiet cabin perpetually hovering over Vermont.
  • Continue exploring space in his unending search for even laxer labor laws.
  • Personally reply to fucker that gave Black & Decker handheld vacuum 2 stars.
  • Provide aid to developing countries at a lower rate than the Gates Foundation to drive them out of critical markets.
  • Start saving for retirement.
  • Drop by Amazon Fulfillment Centers to let old coworkers know he’s still monitoring their productivity.
  • Take up and then monopolize gardening.
  • Die and be dumped in a hole like the rest of us.