North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:
- Slowly crawling toward Seoul for adequate medical care
- Attending informative Supreme Leadership Seminar
- Facedown in country’s only bowl of rice
- In hearts and minds of 25 million proud North Koreans
- Switching place with lowborn pauper of nearly identical appearance to get taste of common North Korean life
- Sitting completely still in a 34-day-long pose for largest Supreme Leader portrait yet
- Hibernating for winter inside burrow
- Crumpled up on floor after skeleton splintered apart under ceaselessly increasing body weight
- In the rich, vibrant world of delusion that comes with being raised as the heir to a despotic regime
- Making love to wife for five straight weeks
- Wiping crumbs off face at father’s grave
- Never in the same room as his sister, curiously
- Either being hanged or hanging someone else
