North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts:

  • Slowly crawling toward Seoul for adequate medical care
  • Attending informative Supreme Leadership Seminar
  • Facedown in country’s only bowl of rice
  • In hearts and minds of 25 million proud North Koreans
  • Switching place with lowborn pauper of nearly identical appearance to get taste of common North Korean life
  • Sitting completely still in a 34-day-long pose for largest Supreme Leader portrait yet
  • Hibernating for winter inside burrow
  • Crumpled up on floor after skeleton splintered apart under ceaselessly increasing body weight
  • In the rich, vibrant world of delusion that comes with being raised as the heir to a despotic regime
  • Making love to wife for five straight weeks
  • Wiping crumbs off face at father’s grave
  • Never in the same room as his sister, curiously
  • Either being hanged or hanging someone else