NEW HAVEN, CT—Rolling a copy of the Yale Alumni Magazine into a makeshift but effective bludgeon, Yale university president Peter Salovey demanded Wednesday that the trembling, weeping alumni fundraiser getting blood on his office floor tell him where the rest of the money was. “You dumb motherfucker, this ain’t anywhere near enough,” said Solovey, slapping the 31-year-old financial consultant who “owed everything in his entire miserable life to Yale” across the face with an envelope the Yale president deemed “too light.” “You think I care this week’s been slow for commodities? You stupid son of a bitch, this is the Ivy goddamned League! Disney gobbles up Fox and you whine to me about commodities. Give me your wallet. Gimme that fucking wallet! Oh, I see. You got the money for the Black Card but not for old Pete? You must think I’m a nice guy. Huh? Huh? Fuck that shit. I don’t run Yale by being some affable, scholarly, live-and-let-live motherfucker. This shit tale you’re spinnin’ about people not answering their phones, not coming to the Yale club—that shit’s done. I got a sociology department to finance. I got a crew team. I got them fucking Whiffenpoof jagoffs crawling up my ass. So here’s your new fucking alumni newsletter: for every week you’re short I start breaking knees until I break all the fuckin’ knees you got, which you, as a Yale educated man, can no fucking doubt figure means you got two weeks before I start coming after your shitass family. Beg, borrow, steal, claim potential windfalls from future stock speculation as actual income and borrow against that at preferential rates—I don’t give a fuck. But you pay me.” At press time, Solovey demanded the underperforming alumnus sever his own pinky with a Yale letter opener to demonstrate his shame.