WASHINGTON—In a covert operation in which intelligence officials are believed to have targeted dozens of hotties across the globe, the CIA has engaged in a sophisticated, ongoing effort to get President Biden laid, a whistleblower at the agency told reporters Wednesday. “On numerous occasions, the Central Intelligence Agency has exploited its assets around the world as part of a scheme to provide the president with unfettered access to grade A poon,” said the whistleblower, who spoke on condition of anonymity after downloading thousands of highly classified documents that describe an off-the-record program to undermine executive monogamy and “enable POTUS to get some trim” when traveling without the first lady. “Elite agents would go undercover as wingmen to undisclosed singles bars and hookup spots, gathering information on who might be willing to help President Biden establish a diplomatic back channel to Fucktown. They’ve even gone so far as to topple several marriages from South America to the Middle East in an effort to get the president’s dick wet.” According to documents provided by the whistleblower, the CIA has not yet declared the operation a success, having determined the mission would not be complete until the commander-in-chief was “combing the pussy out of his hair.”
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