WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief’s frequent overtures, White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon. “I’ve never had any kind of criminal record, so I really couldn’t tell you why he’s always popping into the kitchen to insinuate he could get me off the hook for anything I might be charged with,” said Vlahos, stressing that his duties as a member of the kitchen staff were limited to dish-washing and he had never been privy to any potentially incriminating White House meetings or done anything to make anyone think he had dirt on the president. “It’s hard enough to get through the lunch rush without him cornering me to talk about how he has the absolute authority to make anything I’ve ever done go away completely. I keep telling him, ‘Look, Mr. President, this is very kind of you, I appreciate it, but I’m a law-abiding sort of guy. I’ve never even cheated on my taxes.’ It’s like he doesn’t understand me, though.” At press time, sources confirmed various competing power centers within the administration had maneuvered to pardon, promote, fire, arrest, unlawfully detain, and then deport Vlahos.
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