Illustration for article titled White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump

WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring, a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn’t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump. “I know I’m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president, whoever it is, but I truly don’t think that I can take it if Trump wins reelection,” said the porcelain commode, explaining that it had served honorably through several administrations and had never experienced anything as unspeakable as Trump’s bowel movements. “I thought that maybe the office would change him, but if anything, he’s only gotten worse. I’m honestly surprised I’ve made it this long. Every day is such a slog. Honestly, I’m at my breaking point. Biden isn’t perfect by any means, but he’d certainly be an improvement. The sink doesn’t get what my deal is, but obviously she doesn’t understand because she’s never been used.” At press time, the White House toilet claimed to be most worried about the possibility of Trump refusing to give up the bathroom voluntarily in November.

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