The documents referred to in this editorial are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House. All of these documents can be found here.
The editorial board of The Onion continues to work around the clock forcing its cramped basement of illegal migrant laborers to sift through page after page of classified White House documents. And as more and more information is pieced together, one stark truth has emerged again and again: Each and every one of President Trump’s closest advisors and confidants is psychologically disturbed in some profound and perverse way.
Let’s first turn to the peculiar fixations of Vice President Mike Pence, who appears uninterested in carrying out the prescribed functions of his office and more inclined to spend his time critiquing his pastor’s sermons for emphasizing the concept of love too frequently or barring his staff from speaking certain words like “entangled” and “cloture,” which he considers too crass to be uttered in his company. Moreover, Pence seems to show little regard for the federal government’s time or money, having attempted to spend one-tenth of the government’s budget on tithing, and using significant portions of the workday to browse his personal collection of aborted-fetus protest placards or to sketch out his fanciful ideas for holy inventions. The only evidence The Onion could find of the vice president actually engaging with his fellow politicians in Washington was a memo he authored identifying heretics in the U.S. Senate. Indeed, few officials are even able to meet with Pence, as he requires all individuals to fill out a comprehensive questionnaire that includes such prompts as “Please list the dates of all your spiritual rebirths” and “Have you ever stood directly adjacent to another man’s wife?” before they are allowed to enter his residence or office.
The most unsettling member of Trump’s inner circle, however, appears to be Chief Strategist Steve Bannon, whose documented actions, such as his request that the Interior Department send him pictures of its most crushed and mutilated roadkill or this secret recording of him eating lunch, have caused a significant number of The Onion’s analysts to begin vomiting violently and fall into a shuddering, wide-eyed stupor, as if a plague of sorts had been transmitted to them simply by reading about Bannon’s behavior. Based on the documents that our team has been able to endure, it appears the chief strategist has caused considerable harm to animals, people, and property in the West Wing, from dismembering rodents, to gnawing multiple times through sewage pipes. Moreover, in March, the White House Physician traced a horrific infectious disease outbreak to Bannon’s office. It seems that Bannon is doing something odious and concerning at every moment of the day, whether it’s having biopsied tissue and various surgical retractors delivered to his office, scuttling through the ventilation shafts, or sending back the chicken he ordered from the White House kitchen for being dead and cooked. However, what is most worrying about Bannon are his distinctly sinister ambitions, as evidenced in an extremely dark and disturbing first draft of a speech he prepared for Donald Trump, or his apparent coaxing of the president into signing an ominous executive order titled “Authorizing the Execution of the President by the Chief White House Strategist Should Such Action Be Deemed Advisable and Establishing a Protocol of Succession in Such Event.” There is no telling what horrors Bannon would seek to enact if he were to gain further power.
Whereas Bannon appears elusive, solitary, and tight-lipped, White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway is revealed in these documents to be desperately in need of the public spotlight. Indeed, a telling series of emails with Fox News demonstrates just how needy she is, as Conway made clear that she would “physically disappear from the visible spectrum if [she does] not appear on television every 24 hours.” Moreover, Conway seeks such frequent media attention that she receives a weekly television appearance schedule with a color-coded key explaining how she should behave on camera, from acting “fiercely incredulous,” to “turn[ing the] conversation into an attack on immigrants,” to “accus[ing] Obama of whatever Trump is being accused of.” Privately, however, Conway appears to be more relaxed, indulging herself with a daily blink at 12:45 p.m. In addition, a Craigslist ad she posted in March titled “Woman seeks young man willing to withstand physical blows” reveals how she decompresses from the strains of the White House, describing herself as “a married white woman in her early 50s looking for a young man (18-24) who would be willing to let me beat the shit out of him for half an hour or so.”
One of the most enigmatic figures in Trump’s inner circle is Senior Advisor Stephen Miller, who keeps a lower profile, and for understandable reason: his sexual perversions are particularly pronounced and distasteful. In an unsettling series of emails sent to fellow West Wing staffers, Miller explained that he has been following a new woman around town, alludes to an activity he plans to engage in with the mannequins at Macy’s, and speaks of a rather large package he had delivered from a company called Pink Cherry Inflatables. Moreover, Mr. Miller apparently decided to test torture methods on himself, telling the heads of the CIA and Defense Department that he has “reason to believe our enhanced interrogation tactics may be having the exact opposite effect on detainees than what is intended. Put simply, they feel great. Better than great, actually.” While the Oval Office may wish that Miller’s depraved desires could be kept under wraps, his perversions have not gone unnoticed by those outside the administration: a number of disgusted West Wing tour members have spoken of their disturbing encounters with Miller in voicemails left on the White House Visitor Center telephone line.
In stark contrast to Pence, Bannon, Conway, and Miller, all of whom evidently pursue their own unique and bizarre pleasures in the White House, there is a figure in Trump’s orbit who appears to know only misery and suffering: Press Secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer seems to have no allies in the administration, as evidenced by a secret recording of two West Wing staffers discussing the variety of punishments they wanted to inflict on Spicer, who is heard in the background whimpering inside his punishment crate. Indeed, the trove of leaked documents confirm that Spicer is regularly disciplined and abused by the president, from being forced to spray down Steve Bannon, to losing his eating privileges. Spicer himself confirmed his sad plight in a series of candid and increasingly manic emails to his only apparent friend and confidant, his Uncle Wilbur, with whom he shared his initial elation at being hired by Trump, his growing disillusionment with his job and the very nature of truth itself, and eventually his tragic and complete break with reality.
Somewhat similar to Spicer, Chief of Staff Reince Priebus appears to receive no discernible respect from either his boss or his peers as he, seemingly alone, carries out the necessary day-to-day operations of the Trump White House. According to the documents, Priebus compiled all the candidates, including Neil Gorsuch, Antonin Scalia Jr., and Judge Doom, for the official shortlist of potential Supreme Court nominees; performed all the legwork of persuading congressmen to vote for the American Health Care Act; and helped HUD Secretary Ben Carson when he became trapped in his email. However, based on the evidence available to The Onion, the only appreciation Priebus has ever received in return for his efforts was an extensive amount of fan mail from an 8-year-old girl.
And finally, there’s Senior Advisor Jared Kushner, who appears as if he is earnestly attempting to assist the administration, having devised, for example, several solutions to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, ranging from “Israel gets Jerusalem, but Palestine gets it on weekends and holidays” to “Faster internet (both sides).” However, not much more can be gleaned about this obscure figure, as he is constantly recusing himself from various events, such as the East Asia Summit, the White House Easter Egg Roll, and the National Cherry Blossom Festival, due to his significant investments in them and the considerable sums of money he stands to make from their proceedings.
As the nation rollicks and careens about amid a fantastic political storm, it is more important than ever to know who is steering our course. Unfortunately, the portraits that are emerging of the seldom seen and poorly known individuals in Trump’s inner circle are far from reassuring. According to the official documents penned by these very individuals, the fate of the most powerful nation the world has ever known now rests in the hands of a disconcerting assortment of freaks, failures, accursed abominations of nature, and straight-up perverts, any and all of whom may be profiting handsomely off of whatever you happen to be doing at any given moment.