Abubakar Shekau, leader of the Nigerian militant group Boko Haram, recently boasted that he would sell more than 250 kidnapped schoolgirls in the market. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the ruthless Islamic extremist:
Twinges Of Conscience, Lifetime: Zero
Ideal Work Environment: War-torn
If He Wasn’t The Merciless Leader Of A Militant Jihadist Organization Intent On Sparing No One In Quest To Establish An Islamic State, He Would Most Likely Be: A photographer
Most Redeeming Quality: Not bulletproof
Percentage Of Hands Soaked In Blood: 98.9%
Previous Jobs: Second in command to Boko Haram leader; Third in command to Boko Haram leader; Fourth in command to Boko Haram leader
Most Hated Cardinal Direction: The West
Opinion On Gay Marriage: Unknown but, you know, known
Vertical Jump: 13.4”
Political Stance: Socially and fiscally barbaric
Likelihood Of Being Duly Elected President Of Nigeria At Some Point: 20%
Batshit Fucking Crazy: Yes
Language: Fluent in screaming brutal threats in Arabic, Hausa, Fulani, and Kanuri
Knowledge Of Islam: Limited