Who Is Mike Pence?

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Indiana governor Mike Pence will reportedly be Donald Trump’s running mate on the Republican ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Pence:

  • Current Residence: Real America
  • Little-Known Fact: All
  • Strengths: White, red-faced
  • Weaknesses: Overt prejudices against homosexuals, Syrian refugees, immigrants, welfare recipients, and abortion patients doesn’t bring anything particularly new to Trump campaign
  • Occupation: Former, future talk radio host
  • Inspirational Background Story: Somehow overcame growing nationwide biases against white, heterosexual, Christian men to become governor of Indiana
  • Level Of Social Conservative: Extra staunchy
  • Views On LGBT Rights: Believes gay couples are entitled to the same respect as perverted, deviant straight couples
  • Accomplishments As Governor: Shifted Indiana from oft-overlooked state to lightning rod for condemnation
  • Gubernatorial Campaign Motto: Leviticus 20:13
  • Favorite Sexual Position: Non-penetrative
  • Title Of Future Autobiography: Running For Dear Life: My Hellish Four Months Inside Trump’s Fractured Mirror-World