Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?

Illustration for article titled Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?

Here’s what you need to know about Britain’s longest-reigning monarch, who celebrates her 90th birthday today.

  • Net Worth: $2.3 thousand
  • Length Of Reign: 1952-2174
  • Plans For 90th Birthday: Eat one of the crown jewels
  • Claim To Throne: Beheaded her uncle Edward VIII and personally carried out execution of his wife and children in blood-soaked event known as The Jubilee of Terrors
  • Crown Size: XXL
  • Coat Of Arms: Two corgis fucking
  • Ruling Style: Inertia
  • Greatest Accomplishment: Three goals, two assists during England’s 1966 victorious World Cup run
  • Greatest Personal Losses: Zimbabwe, Qatar, Kenya, Belize, Princess Diana, Yemen, Guyana, Fiji, Botswana
  • Number Of British Celebrities She Has Accidentally Stabbed During Knighting Ceremony: Four
  • Catchphrase: “Did somebody say Queen Elizabeth?”
  • Office Hours: Wednesdays 4-6
  • Number Of Times She’s Dreamt Of Slipping Out Of Buckingham Palace In Civilian Clothes, Never To Be Heard From Again: 650,000
  • Had To Say “I Dub Thee Sir Bono”: Yes
  • Petitions To Let Terminally Ill Young Girl Be Queen For A Day She’s Turned Down: 8,372

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