Who The Hell Are You? You’re Not Supposed To Be Back Here

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This is a hard hat area! Being back here without wearing the standard safety equipment is very dangerous!

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Hey, get away from those pipes! Get out of here!

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GET OUT! NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO SEE OUR EMPTY OFFICE AND QUESTION OUR DILIGENCE!!!

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Uh, excuse us. You don’t have clearance to be this deep into the site’s back end! This is for employees only.

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Hands off! You can’t possibly know how much that piece of code is worth.

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Whoa whoa whoa, employees only.

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You cannot be back here with our delicious banana split if you’re not wearing a name badge!

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The Onion’s torture dungeon is for employees only! Please go back to our visitors area!

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Don’t touch that button! What are you thinking?

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Listen, buddy, we’re going to need some identification.

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Okay, wise guy. What’s the password?

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No, it’s not “The Onion.”

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No, it’s not “Onion123.”

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You say you work for this website, huh? Well, we’ve certainly never seen you around before.

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Hey, wait a minute. That’s not a badge at all. It’s a soft-shell crab!

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Get your eye up close to this. We’ll need to do a retina scan.

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Look, we understand people make mistakes. Turn around now, and we’ll forget this ever happened.

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Actually, this one is okay for you to see. We’ve been working on a recipe for chicken au poivre, but honestly, we’re probably not going to do anything much with it, so it’s not really a secret.

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Do not touch anything. Even the slightest disturbance to the code can have profound consequences, not only for our website, but the entire internet, and indeed, the world.

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IT’S A TRAP!

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You shouldn’t be looking at this stuff. This is all way above even our pay grade.

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Don’t touch that! You’re not authorized!

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That’s it. We’re calling security. Someone get this asshole!

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Please tell us you didn’t push this exactly 82 times!

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Oh great, now we’ve got company.

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We’re not doctors, so we’re going to have to just puncture your brain until your memories of this are gone.

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Maybe we should’ve labeled this door “No Entry” instead of just “Door.” That one’s on us.”

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Hey! I was changing! Get out of here, pervert! Police! Police!

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We admit, we did not see that spin move coming. You’re quite spry. We’ll give you that.

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Did Carmine send you? We already squared our debt with the Morettis—we were told we’d be left alone.

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Did you take all the health and ammo back here?

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Do NOT help him!!! SCRAM!!!

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Gimme three fingers of Gordon’s, Mick. Say, you ain’t Mick. What gives?

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Wait. No! You’re not supposed to see this!

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That is the Forbidden One. You do NOT look into his eyes.

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You’re not allowed to do this, sir!

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Wait, how have you not been turned to dust? Are you…the Chosen One?

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Well, even if you are the one the legends foretold, you still do not have a name badge, and we must ask you to leave.

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Hey, it’s me, Ronan Farrow. I’ve gone undercover to expose the seedy underbelly of The Onion. Don’t tell anyone you saw me, okay?

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Oh Jesus Christ, you must have stumbled onto the employees-only discount code FLIBFLAB32 for this incredible piece of Onion apparel. You won’t get away with this! We’ll stop you before you go to the Onion Store!

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Who sent you? WHO SENT YOU?!

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Are you lying to us? If you are, we might know. It honestly depends on how good a liar you are.

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Fellow hacker here. There isn’t much time. You’re going to need this to blend in.

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Fuck it. Guess you work here now.

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All right, get to work. Take this and make sure that the sources keep their traps shut.

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