GENEVA—Following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep had tested positive for Covid-19, the World Health Organization warned Thursday that new outbreaks in Victorian England confirm the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time. “We have received a telegraph indicating that coronavirus has been detected in 1860s London, which means the likelihood of this disease reaching other eras of human civilization is a near certainty,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhamon, adding that anyone born after 1837 should take precautions by avoiding unclean debtors prisons, drafty boarding schools, and stuffy manor houses. “An outbreak of coronavirus in ancient Mesopotamia could absolutely devastate technological progress throughout the last several millennia, imperiling life as we know it. Once you consider the poor hygiene and lack of sewage systems in places like Medieval France or Babylon in 1100 B.C., it’s easy to see how this could spiral into an unceasing pandemic. We’re warning people across all time and space to please wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.” At press time, WHO officials urged all future humans to quarantine themselves within their current timeline until a vaccine becomes available.
More from The Onion