Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think

Illustration for article titled Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think

Wait! Wait! Don’t come in—oh, wow. Hey, gaming fans! You surprised us there. What’s that? You’re wondering about why we’ve got this picture of Bullet Bill up here? Well, we’re glad you asked, because we really don’t want you to jump to the wrong conclusion. In fact, we’ve compiled a list of the top six reasons why us looking at this image of Bullet Bill with a huge member isn’t what you think!


Ready, readers? Let’s go!

1. The internet is crazy.

That’s right, readers! Don’t freak out about this, because as literally anyone on earth could tell you, there are all sorts of weird things on the web that we have no control over! Even a simple Google Image search about Bullet Bill or Mario can lead to some truly depraved stuff if you scroll down for long enough. So, it’s not like we had to be specifically keying in the search terms “Bullet Bill + Giant Cock” or anything to come up with a result like this. All right?

2. What even is this picture?

Honestly, when this image first came across our desk at the OGN offices, we couldn’t make heads or tails of it. And okay, sure, we’ll admit that now that we’re looking closely, we can tell it’s a high-resolution depiction of what appears to be Bullet Bill with a shapely scrotum and erection. But why would someone even make something such as this? It’s so confusing that we’re happy to just delete it whenever. No, seriously! We’ll just drag it into the trash and be done with it.

3. It’s all a big joke.

Surprise! OGN played a big prank on you just now. What did you think? We were into Bullet Bill’s massive hard-on or something? Haha! No, sorry to burst your bubble, you gullible gaming fans, but it was a prank. We knew you’d be coming into this article, and so we pulled a practical joke on you by pulling this image up just before you clicked on the link. What? You don’t believe us? Here, we’ll put the picture up again to prove it:

Illustration for article titled Whoa, Hold On, Gamers: 6 Reasons Why This Image We’re Looking At Of Bullet Bill With A Huge Member Isn’t What You Think

See, the truth is we think this stuff is stupid and gross, and so we thought it would be a great joke to make you look at it. We sure don’t like looking at it ourselves! Unless, you know, if some of you thought this stuff was kind of interesting you could sound off in the comments, or...no, forget it! We’re only playing around again! Let’s go to the next reason.

4. It’s not like it’s illegal or anything.

At the end of the day, it’s not a crime to view, distribute, or even manufacture an image like this of Bullet Bill sporting a large and extremely realistic penis, and we defy readers of OGN to tell us who this picture is actually hurting. We guess you could conceivably make the argument that it’s copyright infringement, but it’s pretty clear that it falls squarely within the realm of “fair use” so that argument doesn’t hold water.


Meanwhile, these types of images probably provide people with a harmless little thrill that helps them get through their day. And, not to put too fine a point on it, gamers, but trying to police what people can do in private is pretty narrow-minded and actually dangerous.

Also, we’d just like to add that it’s not as though Bill is even having sex with anyone. He’s just enjoying his own body and, you know, isn’t that something we should be encouraging? And it’s not like a child porn thing, either. Bill is essentially ageless if he’s anything, and judging from the tumescence of his penis, he’s clearly a mature adult, so we don’t even know what we’re arguing about. But. Yeah.


Look, sorry, we’re kind of rambling. You really startled us when you clicked on the article so suddenly earlier, you know? So maybe just ignore this one.

5. As reporters, we have a professional responsibility to investigate every corner of the gaming world.

Since its inception, Onion Gamers Network has endeavored to honor its sacred pact with our readers to explore and investigate all elements of gaming culture, no matter where these investigations take us. As stewards of truth, our journalists are duty-bound to ferret out the story for you, our readers, into even the darkest and most disturbing thickets of human experience. Yes, the business of journalism can be a dirty and unpleasant one, but we persist not for our own pleasures but for the edification of the public.


Readers, would you accuse Upton Sinclair of getting grotesque thrills from looking at slaughterhouses when he penned The Jungle? Or argue Nellie Bly exploited the mentally ill during her groundbreaking exposé on the abuses inside lunatic asylums? No, of course not, and the very notion is as absurd as assuming something untoward about our publication’s commitment to bringing to light all facets of the gaming world.

6. We’re on painkillers.

All that being said, maybe the most important thing to keep in mind is we have been absolutely zonked out on painkillers for the past couple days. Our backs had been killing us, and we finally went to a doctor, and she prescribed us these pills, and we don’t know what’s in them but we’re so out of it, we don’t even know what we’re doing half the time. Honestly, we could have been looking at dozens of pictures of nude Mario villains to compare and contrast their various shaft sizes and not even been aware of it. That’s how strong this stuff is!


Anyway, as you can see this was all a dumb misunderstanding. The takeaway is that it’s probably best to forget the whole thing happened and maybe just don’t click on this article again without giving us a heads-up.

Game on, everyone!