The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:
Desire to build anticipation among inoculation fanbase.
Nobody home in state when vaccines arrive.
Mixed messaging on how many doses required to gain muscle mass.
Lack of official federal mandate on how states should screw up rollout.
Waiting until flavored versions of vaccine have been perfected.
Want to see if people in less important countries experience any awful side effects first.
Ineffectiveness of using scratch-off tickets to determine first round of eligibility.
Probably China, right? Who’s with us?!
Vaccine distributors not particularly eager for baby showers to return.
To give Covid-19 one last chance to finally do the right thing.