BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the solemn utterance of “Capital D, two, lowercase e, nine, nine, nine, exclamation point” seemed to echo from all corners of the room as their host gravely intoned each syllable from the ancient document, its edges worn and curling inward, the sacred characters barely legible from the effects of age. Holding the paper reverently, like a flesh-bound grimoire containing unspeakable power, McNamara is said to have given a hypnotic recitation of the phrase, as though the password itself spoke through her, and she was but an empty, earthen vessel meant to relay the mysterious message. Despite having no familiarity with this long-lost tongue, those present stated that they found themselves entering the corresponding glyphs into their phones, an experience that transcended all known language and was soon followed by reports of internet connectivity spreading invisibly through the room. Afterward, sources at the scene confirmed that McNamara’s eyes, which had rolled back in her head, returned to normal, and she then collapsed onto the kitchen floor, babbling about having seen “the mouth of God.” At press time, McNamara and her guests were reportedly all sitting around casually browsing the internet on their various devices.