ELKTON, MD—Explaining that the hollow gestures of sympathy would certainly bring tears to his eyes, local widow Gina Hasapis told reporters Tuesday that she just wished her late husband could hear all the rote pleasantries that funeral attendees said about him. “Oh, if only my Martin could hear you pay forced, insincere respects,” said Hasapis, adding that her partner of 30 years would have truly been touched to hear his coworkers and acquaintances make vague remembrances about he was “great to have in meetings” and “a really nice guy.” “He always hoped that people who felt obliged to attend his funeral would say things that could literally apply to any other person. And gosh, if only he could see all the gorgeous flowers everyone clearly bought last minute at the grocery store on their way here.” At press time, Hasapis said she knew her deceased husband was up in heaven, looking down at all the guests repeatedly checking the time to see if it’s okay for them to duck out of the reception.
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