Amidst the news surrounding the sensitive diplomatic information released last week, Wikileaks head Julian Assange hinted that he would be releasing documents from a major financial institution. The Onion has been granted special access to these documents, and is proud to present some of the more damning revelations about Bank of America:
- TARP bailout funded the Men's Warehouse spree needed to restore confidence in the company
- List of employees who have generously contributed to executive Catherine P. Bessant's Bank of America fun run, employees who have not
- Whenever CEO Brian Moynihan needs to buy a cup of coffee, he takes a few dollars from a random customer's account
- CFO Charles Noski has had to have the concept of interest explained to him eight times since being hired
- There is nothing in the Bank of America vaults excepts bones of poor people
- Tellers have been secretly cramming 51 cents into each roll of pennies to try and get rid of them all
- Executives attempted to cover up a video showing a Bank of America helicopter strike on squatters in a Tampa-area foreclosed home
- During the October 2008 collapse, then-CEO Ken Lewis proposed removing lollipops from lobbies to cut costs