AINSWORTH, OH—Citing the marked increase in torment he faced after removing the weapon from his backpack, sources confirmed Monday that the wimpy little pistol brought to school by angry local teen Derek Delhano only served to make him the recipient of even more bullying. “Oh, man, this is classic Derek—did you really think you were going to show us all by walking through the halls and waving around that little peashooter?” said McKinsdale High School senior Todd Andrews, one of several jeering students who surrounded Delhano at his locker and speculated that, in all likelihood, the only thing smaller than the enraged 17-year-old’s firearm was his penis. “He brings one itty-bitty pistol to school and thinks he’s going to make everybody pay! Jesus, what a fuckin’ wuss. What is that, anyway, your mom’s gun? I’d tell you to kill yourself, but clearly that thing isn’t going to get the job done.” At press time, Delhano was reportedly being held down and told to stop pistol-whipping himself.
